Things I've Learned From Little Man....

Any time (past or present) I have talked with others who have adopted, there is one thing that I think I hear from every person, and that is that they have learned and grown way more themselves than they ever imagined through the process.  Well, I am happy to admit I am in that camp now too!  I have been stretched more emotionally and mentally in these last 5 months than I would have ever imagined.  Here's some things having little man has taught me....and some ramblings to go along with it!

1.  I will never be able to comprehend just how brave and strong this little guy is!  He is such an incredible kid!  Easy to love (most of the time :) ) and genuinely grateful to be with us (again, most of the time :) ).  As we grow to know each other more he is becoming more open and vulnerable with us and we are so grateful.   We were talking over the holidays about his attending a basketball camp.  I pointed out that he likely wouldn't know anyone there at first, and asked how would he feel about that.  His response was that it didn't matter to him.  Then I stopped and thought about it.....this little 3 day camp was nothing compared to moving in with complete strangers...for the rest of your life!!  Wowzers!!!  Reality check!!! 

2.  This one is a real shocker I'm sure.....but bringing a child of ANY age into your home causes upheaval in the family system.  Whether an infant whose feeding and diaper changes are endless along with sleepless nights or an older child who comes with an opinion, attitude and their own habits.  Either can, and will, change the family dynamic.  

3.  Regression can be a healthy thing.  As I had a therapist recently tell me.....we all have the need to go through the stages of development in our lifetime.  Some get it starting at birth, others a little later, and some as adults may have to go through those stages.  There are stages we are quite certain little man has missed this far and our desire is for him to move through them at his pace.  This can take on many different forms.  There are moments when he's acting more like an adult (a role he has had to take on at times), moments when he is a typical 9 year old boy, and moments when he is more infantile.  These are the times when I am reminded that regression to earlier stages can and is a healthy thing for little man, and I want to love him in and through these stages!

4.  I long to have him feel safe enough to share openly with us about anything, but I have come to realize I will need to learn how to be ok if he never gets there.  Often times we will get in conversations about his past and I want him to open the floodgates and share all.  I really have to hold myself back from wanting to fire off questions just to get my answers.  There are times he is open to talk and other times he isn't.  I need to be ok with that!  But its sooooo hard.........  

5.  I do have enough love in my heart for a 4th child, and God has placed it there.  I will admit there was a thought at one time, "will I be able to love him like the girls?" but God has made that happen!  Just the other day little man came up to me and hugged on me saying, "this is my momma...my momma" while Emily was sitting next to me.  I was fully prepared to have to navigate the stickiness of Emily responding that No indeed, I was not his mom, but I was hers.  However, Emily looked at him and said, "She isn't your mom, she is OUR mom!"  Oh what a delight that was to hear!  And I had the opportunity at that point to share with little man that God has given me so much love in my heart that he has given me 4 children with whom to share it!  As I told that to him, it was as if I was talking to myself, and God allowed me to be reminded of those doubts and how he had taken care of them!

6.  Two steps forward and one step back IS STILL PROGRESS!!!!  In our experience, to get the beauty of good days, there is often a bad day leading up to it!  It seems that as we begin to show consistency and extend love and grace to little man he is slowly letting us in to his inner world.  Those times are precious.  But inevitably, those precious times tend to follow a hard time.  I am choosing to adopt the motto...Two steps forward one step back is still progress!  ;-)

That's all this jumbled brain has got for now......likely more ramblings to come again soon!  

The Sufficiency of Love and Companionship

We are over two months in to having our little man with us.  In so many ways there is so much to be thankful for but it is difficult to explain.  I’m (Russ) asked by folks frequently, “how are things going with him?”  I never really know how to answer this question to be honest.  I probably look like I am feeling awkward or uncomfortable when trying to answer it because most of the time I am.  

The truth is, he is so easy to love.  He gets along with the girls, he responds to our directives sometimes more quickly and easily than the girls, he rarely displays any overt residue from his past aside from an occasional episode that could be seen as “normal” for any 9 year old boy.  It is as if sometimes I believe that it shouldn’t be this easy and feel awkward knowing how to explain this perplexity that I feel.  It is as if he has been here with us all the time.  On the one hand this feels so unnatural to what I expected, and on the other I feel great relief, gladness and gratitude.  It often feels like this journey  is more beautifully chartered than I imagined.

The bumps in the journey have definitely stretched Rachel and I but have felt manageable all the same.  Going into this adventure we were well educated on preparing for other larger than life, mostly unresolvable and polarizing challenges that a multiracial family will encounter - not just from external pressures but also from within.  We have been fortunate enough that we have not faced any of those challenges from outside up to this point.  In fact, I have some embarrassment in admitting how surprised I’ve been by encountering many black parents refer to our little man as “our son” with nothing verbal or nonverbal that would suggest that this is just who he is.  I guess I prepared to have more of a complicated and tight-rope walking transition with a lot of questions that would bring my heart rate up and lead to a lot of feeling compelled to justify or defend our decision.  Whether right or wrong, these were some of the things I have tried to prepare myself for thinking that, at least for me, it would be one of the most difficult things to traverse.

I actually felt more prepared for the challenges from within.  I am equally embarrassed to say that this was likely due to a psuedo sense of having more control over these circumstances than the ones from outside.  Apparently, I have learned nothing from having three biological children because I have come to know painstakingly well that any notion of being able to order and influence their mind, heart or soul has been a lesson in futility.  But somehow I suppose I had convinced myself that due to perfecting the failure with this for nine years prior to his arrival I was now more prepared to help him navigate the aching wounds that he carries.  We could offer him love and companionship...wouldn’t that be enough?

Well, the answer to that question appears to be “no” - AND “yes”. I have come to face the realities of powerlessness at even a deeper level with little man in my life.  No matter how well or strategically cunning I operate, I am faced with the nagging truth that I am powerless to change his psyche. He often times seems to present with a belief that no one is worthy to be trusted with his inner most thoughts and feelings.  For Rachel and I understand why this is while also desperately clinging to the hope that his vulnerability and trust in us is the only way towards his experience of healing and love.  This hope has brought with it an agony as we observe our little man feeling his way into his fear and uncertainty.  It is not a journey that we can protect him from, but only walk alongside.  

And it is this that leads us to understand that our love and companionship are enough.  For we have not been called to carry his burden but rather see him through it.  It can not have been better illustrated than that portrayed in the Lord of the Rings triology.  As Frodo Baggins was called to carry the one ring unto completion of his task, Samwise Gamgee was equally called to accompany Frodo as his companion.  Sam came to understand he could not save Frodo from the agony and burden that he was carrying.    Simply, he was there to provide his friendship, love, affection, encouragement, counsel, equilibrium and strength along the journey.  It was this role that he came to embrace for Frodo and we witness the sufficiency of love and companionship.               

I want to grow as a Samwise Gamgee for our little man, as well as my wife and three daughters.  It is a role I have also come to understand is wrought with tears, uncertainty and fears.  But in my weakness, pain and powerlessness, I too have discovered the birth of hope.  And I wish to cling to it as we travel towards completion at Mount Doom in Mordor.

Growth....

So this whole process of adoption has been one of exciting times, yes, but also difficult times.  No one likes to write about the difficulties....they aren’t any fun now are they?  Well with the difficulties and trials comes growth.  Growth is a good thing! (unless its sideways...in that case I guess you could argue it isn’t any good :-) )    

My growth comes in the form of a lie....that turned into something encouraging?!?!  How does that happen?  Let me to share....

This afternoon little man sat down to do his homework.  It was a sheet with clocks and he was to be reading and recording the analog time on them.  So he set off to the task at hand.  Insert key piece here......Earlier in the week he had seen Olivia and me working with a clock we have for homeschool that when you place the hands on the numbers there is a window where you can see the time.....Okay....back to story.  So when I came back in the room, he had gone and gotten the clock.  Immediately I knew what he was doing....just copying the placement of the hands on the paper to those on the clock so he could get the numbers and move on!  Oh sly one.....he just thought he could get away with that one...ha ha!  So I asked him what he was doing with the clock and immediately an answer came out, “I don’t understand these lines.  I’m just trying to figure it out.”  The only problem with that answer is that he had gotten a couple problems in (and gotten them correct) then suddenly realized he didn’t know how to do it.  Oops....he didn’t think that one out very well!!! (and I’m not complaining about that!)  So as I talked with him about the fact that his answer wasn’t consistent with his doing the work before, I asked him if he might have another answer as to why he was using the clock.  He thought about it then opted to tell the truth!  He was using the clock to make it easier!  Now, why was this encouraging you might ask?  I was encouraged that when faced with the opportunity to continue with his story and lie, or to tell the truth, he told the truth!  This is a situation I could see playing out with any of my other children, so I don’t think it is specific to our situation with little man.  However with little man we haven’t had the years of investing in him so I was super encouraged to see him open to confessing.  So as I sat with him I thought to myself, “what do I do now?”  What I wanted from him was to hear him say he was sorry and reconcile so we could move on.  I didn’t get that from him.  He wasn’t able to say sorry and I had to be okay with that.  Not easy for me!  It was in that moment God just whispered in my ear.....”just hug him and hold him and reassure him you love him.”  I asked him if he would come near and let me hug him.  He did and just wrapped his little arms around me and held on for a good minute or so.  I just sat there and held him.  Afterwards I reminded him of how honesty and trust were important in a relationship and how I was thankful he was honest and told me the truth.  A friend who has also adopted had once shared with me that a good way to handle discipline (particular speaking to children from hard places) is not to try and enforce punitive consequences or even taking things away, but rather to have a “time in” approach.  Spend time with the child doing something so your building your relationship with them and in that context letting them know their actions aren’t acceptable but that they are!  So, we went outside together for a bit.  Honestly, it was healing both for me and him!  I don’t know about you but when someone wrongs me its not so natural for me to want to be around them.  But this was so helpful for us both.  So, chalk one up for growth on my part....and hopefully growth in his little heart as well!!!  :-)  

Finding a new kind of normal.....

Because you know....you just might need a little head protection during a super intense game of UNO!?!?

Every time I look at this picture I just laugh to myself.  Is this really happening in my house?  Do I really have football equipment and boy toys...and heck....a young boy living in my house!  Talk about a new kind of normal.  Although our girls aren’t the girliest of girls, this Schulte crew certainly is experiencing a whole new world....a world with a crazy hyper, active, rough and tough boy!  There is a definite learning curve going on for us all.  I know my friends with boys just laugh at me!  But hey...instead of laugh at me....pray for me!  ha!  No in all seriousness, things are going really well.  Little man started school last Monday and had a great week!  The first day the principal walked out holding his hand.  I must say my first thought wasn’t positive, but rather, “oh no” however she just wanted to come over and tell me how great he did his first day!  Whew!  That was a great surprise and relief!  ;-)  And his teacher came out to meet me Wednesday with similar news.  Although he has shared that its been scary and nerve wracking at times starting somewhere new, all in all he has done well.  We are so grateful.  

Friday he found out he was going to be able to join a local boys football league that practices at his school.  He has not quit talking about it....literally....he has NOT stopped talking about it.  It is such a joy to see him so excited about something he hasn’t had the opportunity to do before!  But we did finally have to limit the discussion of football...it was a bit overkill!  :-/  Little by little we are getting to know little man better and learn more about him.  Today we were riding in the car and he just starting singing.  I didn’t say anything but just listened to his sweet little voice.  At the dinner table I asked him about it and he just smiled and said he was singing a song he had learned before at a previous church, then just started singing it at the table for us.  I thought that was so sweet!  He really enjoys having someone to play with and can often convince one of the girls to head outside to the trampoline with him.  

Often times people ask me how the girls are adjusting.  Quite honestly, I am very proud of how the girls have adjusted and taken little man in with such warmth and compassion.  Certainly there have been moments for us all that have been a little difficult, but being able to talk to them and have them be open and honest with us about their feelings has helped us all grow closer together.  We’ve had a couple of instances where someone has asked the girls to introduce him or ask to meet their brother and they proudly introduce him to them.  Early on in the adoption process someone shared with me about the reality of how much I will see my girls grow and learn during this family transition.  I couldn’t agree more...and couldn’t be more thankful for all three of them and their desire to embrace our new kind of normal!  I’m so grateful God gave each one of my girls to me!  

just the beginning.....

"God’s plan from the start
For this world and your heart
Has been to show His glory and His grace
Forever revealing the depth and the beauty of
His unfailing Love
And the story has only begun

And this is going to be a glorious unfolding
Just you wait and see and you will be amazed
We’ve just got to believe the story is so far from over
So hold on to every promise God has made to us
And watch this glorious unfolding

Just watch and see
This is just the beginning of the beginning"

These are some of the lyrics to a Stephen Curtis Chapman Song title "Glorious Unfolding".  This morning this song came on the radio and all throughout the day I continued to hear it repeating in my head.  Today was a big day for the Schulte family.  We are one step closer to becoming a family of 6!!!  Little man moved in!  :-)  This is just the beginning.....

And here's the link to hear the song.....listen to it...I think you'll love it to!  

http://youtu.be/rolTdI7I_4M

just some thoughts...and a prayer request too!

Our "official" placement day is fast approaching!  As a matter of fact so fast that it will be here in less than a week!  As I reflect on this approaching day and all the days we have prayed for this to come to fruition, I am struck with an odd and difficult thought.  Although we have prayed many nights for God to bring "our son" to us, I'm pretty sure "our son" hasn't prayed for this to be his course in life.  Ouch!  That doesn't sound...nor does it feel good to say.  Although we are excited about his entering our family, how does he feel?  Yes, yes, I know the right answer.  "Of course he's thankful to have a home where people will love him and care for him."  But does he really know and believe that?  What does "a family who will love and care for him" look like to him?  What is going on in his 8 year old mind?  You know, the longer we have been in the process, the more I have grown to see just how brave and strong he and other children in similar situations have to be.  He has come to stay with us several times.....an 8 year old, packing his bags and coming to stay...with complete strangers!!!  I'm pretty sure I wouldn't have done so well with that at his age!  As a matter of fact, I'm certain I wouldn't have!  I remember coming home homesick from camp...a week long camp...that I came home from a couple days into!  :-/  So with this post I simply ask a request of those of you reading and praying for our family and the adjustment.  Please pray for little man.  Pray for his adjustment.  Pray for him to feel safe enough with us to tell us where is and how he is feeling.  Pray for us to patiently wait and listen if/when he talks.  Pray for us to meet him where he is......good days and bad!  Thanks for all the support and love shown to our family.  We are thankful for you all!!!

Answered prayer!

So school for the little man has been a bit of an unknown for me.  First off we are required to have him schooled in an accredited school while in custody and although we think the Schulte homeschool is top notch ;-), its simply not accredited so he can’t “attend” here.  We had discussed our available options and decided that using the public school system is what is best.  We live in an area zoned for a particular school that although we’ve never heard anything bad about it, we hadn’t heard anything good either.  And there is another school not but a mile down the road that is considered a “magnet” type of school.  We have friends who have and do use this school and all have been very pleased with it.  So based solely off this we decided we should seek out this school as our top priority.  Not being zoned for that school has presented some issues and for the last month we have been working on just even getting a meeting set up with the principal......which still hasn’t happened.  It’s been rather frustrating and disheartening as well.  The logistics of the “move in” and school starting are already going to be tight so I was really hoping to get all this ironed out this past week!  So after not hearing from this schools principal by mid afternoon Wednesday,  I decided maybe it would be a good idea to contact the school we are zoned for and just go by for a visit.  That way at least little man would have seen it before school starts seeing as this was likely going to be the school he attended.  So I called mid afternoon and unbeknownst to me at the time, got the principal on the phone.  As we talked she just asked if we were busy and if not she would stay for us to come up to the school and check it out.  So we all hopped in the car and went!  Now as we were walking in little man comments, “I hope the principal isn’t white.” To which I asked why?  His reply was that his last two principals were white and he didn’t like them.  I then laughingly asked him if he realized that I was white too?  He just kind of laughed.  I then asked if it had more to do with the fact that he possibly spent a good bit of time with them in their office....to which he readily admitted yes to.  :-0    So when we get there we all introduce ourselves and the principal immediately recognizes Nettie’s cochlear implants.  She then tells us that her son has one also and she is so excited to introduce Nettie to everyone.  Immediate connection!  So from there we end up going down the hall to view the rooms.  Two of the three 3rd grade teachers were there, and what I learned later was that they weren’t even required to be there that day...just “happened” to want to be there getting their classrooms ready.  And they stayed to talk to us bc the principal had told them we were stopping by!  How awesome.  So as we enter the classroom, one of the teachers asks little man what his favorite thing about school is to which he promptly replies, “I hate school.  I don’t like anything about it.”  Lovely.  :-/  However this teacher responded with such love and grace and just continued talking with him.  As I watched them interact I really began to get a sense that this is where little man is supposed to be.  So we talked a bit more then the kids wanted to see the playground.  As we were leaving I felt the need to communicate to the teachers our desire to be involved and part of the whole schooling process for him and they both shared how much they wanted to come alongside and make it a team effort.  How encouraging!  So as we saw the outside play area little man spotted a basketball court....to which he was super pumped.  He loves playing basketball.  I told someone the other day...he has bounced everything bounce-able in my house..and even some things I didn’t know were bounce-able he has bounced!!! ;-)  The principal also told us that this school has a football program.....who knew?  She said the coach is a top notch man.  He really seeks to teach the kids the importance of school work/grades and behavior above sports and if either are out of line, they won’t be playing.  She said he also spends time in the school with the boys.  She also thought to point out he was AA.  This alone is an answered prayer!!  We have been praying that God would send opportunities our way to find AA men to invest in little mans life and help him with things we know we won’t be able to.  (much of this awareness has come from our education and training from Bethany Christian Services...and for this we will be eternally grateful!)  At two times while the principal was directly talking to little man he looked away and didn’t look her in the eye.  She calmly asked him to please look her in the eye when she was speaking to him.  Although this sounds simple and basic, it was as if the Lord was giving me a little glimpse into the care and compassion this woman exudes...and I don’t even know her.  Eye contact is a difficult thing for many but especially important for us to be intentional with little man on and I felt such thankfulness that the principal just naturally did it herself.  So as we were getting ready to leave the principal asked me if she could ask me a personal question...to which I replied yes.  She asked me why we weren’t planning to homeschool him like the girls.  As I explained that we couldn’t legally right now and were just going to pray about it for the future as we did with each child each year thus far, she was so supportive and encouraging and I didn’t feel “judged” by my choice of homeschooling vs public school.  Another sweet blessing.  And right before we left, she looked little man in the eye and told him how excited she was for him to be coming, that they had lots of fun there at the school and she wanted him to have fun there too.  She also told him that they wanted to encourage, support and love on him as best they could.  So as I left the school, I was so encouraged and incredibly thankful for that experience and thankful for the confidence that I now feel in regards to the school issue.  Answered prayers!!  I had been praying that we could get things worked out with the other school and never even considered this one might be just where God would have us!