We are over two months in to having our little man with us. In so many ways there is so much to be thankful for but it is difficult to explain. I’m (Russ) asked by folks frequently, “how are things going with him?” I never really know how to answer this question to be honest. I probably look like I am feeling awkward or uncomfortable when trying to answer it because most of the time I am.
The truth is, he is so easy to love. He gets along with the girls, he responds to our directives sometimes more quickly and easily than the girls, he rarely displays any overt residue from his past aside from an occasional episode that could be seen as “normal” for any 9 year old boy. It is as if sometimes I believe that it shouldn’t be this easy and feel awkward knowing how to explain this perplexity that I feel. It is as if he has been here with us all the time. On the one hand this feels so unnatural to what I expected, and on the other I feel great relief, gladness and gratitude. It often feels like this journey is more beautifully chartered than I imagined.
The bumps in the journey have definitely stretched Rachel and I but have felt manageable all the same. Going into this adventure we were well educated on preparing for other larger than life, mostly unresolvable and polarizing challenges that a multiracial family will encounter - not just from external pressures but also from within. We have been fortunate enough that we have not faced any of those challenges from outside up to this point. In fact, I have some embarrassment in admitting how surprised I’ve been by encountering many black parents refer to our little man as “our son” with nothing verbal or nonverbal that would suggest that this is just who he is. I guess I prepared to have more of a complicated and tight-rope walking transition with a lot of questions that would bring my heart rate up and lead to a lot of feeling compelled to justify or defend our decision. Whether right or wrong, these were some of the things I have tried to prepare myself for thinking that, at least for me, it would be one of the most difficult things to traverse.
I actually felt more prepared for the challenges from within. I am equally embarrassed to say that this was likely due to a psuedo sense of having more control over these circumstances than the ones from outside. Apparently, I have learned nothing from having three biological children because I have come to know painstakingly well that any notion of being able to order and influence their mind, heart or soul has been a lesson in futility. But somehow I suppose I had convinced myself that due to perfecting the failure with this for nine years prior to his arrival I was now more prepared to help him navigate the aching wounds that he carries. We could offer him love and companionship...wouldn’t that be enough?
Well, the answer to that question appears to be “no” - AND “yes”. I have come to face the realities of powerlessness at even a deeper level with little man in my life. No matter how well or strategically cunning I operate, I am faced with the nagging truth that I am powerless to change his psyche. He often times seems to present with a belief that no one is worthy to be trusted with his inner most thoughts and feelings. For Rachel and I understand why this is while also desperately clinging to the hope that his vulnerability and trust in us is the only way towards his experience of healing and love. This hope has brought with it an agony as we observe our little man feeling his way into his fear and uncertainty. It is not a journey that we can protect him from, but only walk alongside.
And it is this that leads us to understand that our love and companionship are enough. For we have not been called to carry his burden but rather see him through it. It can not have been better illustrated than that portrayed in the Lord of the Rings triology. As Frodo Baggins was called to carry the one ring unto completion of his task, Samwise Gamgee was equally called to accompany Frodo as his companion. Sam came to understand he could not save Frodo from the agony and burden that he was carrying. Simply, he was there to provide his friendship, love, affection, encouragement, counsel, equilibrium and strength along the journey. It was this role that he came to embrace for Frodo and we witness the sufficiency of love and companionship.
I want to grow as a Samwise Gamgee for our little man, as well as my wife and three daughters. It is a role I have also come to understand is wrought with tears, uncertainty and fears. But in my weakness, pain and powerlessness, I too have discovered the birth of hope. And I wish to cling to it as we travel towards completion at Mount Doom in Mordor.
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