How do I not get so attached?

How do I not get so attached?  I'm asked that question often and my response each time is, "I absolutely am attached!"  But you know what I'm beginning to understand?  Attachment is exactly what baby girl (and any kid for that matter) needs! And although I may only be in her life a short period of time, I want her to experience attachment, experience love, and experience family. 

God has a way of using our past to shape us. If you're reading this blog you likely know that this time last year we had to let little man go from our home. Our intentions when bringing him to our home was straight up adoption....not fostering.  I was definitely of the mindset that I could never foster. Loving a child then letting them go.... I could never do that. After he left, God open my eyes to the reality that fostering is just what we had done. And as a matter of fact, I could love a kid then let them go. I had done so with little man!  

Within the first week of having baby girl I wrestled with the decision of whether or not to buy her a "lovey" (for those who don't know what I'm talking about....it's the little animal heads with a small soft blanket attached). These items have been crucial for my girls. Lots of searching and lost sleep over looking for them near bedtime (any other parents identify with this?!?! 😩). I was concerned that if I got her one and she got attached to it, that when she left it might not be a priority for those she went home to and would therefore have another "loss" in not having it. A seasoned foster mom encouraged me to get it and reminded me that baby girl forming that attachment now would help shape her ability to form attachment later in life. Better to be able to attach and lose it than to never attach at all. Such wisdom from that mom!! Thank you Haley 😀. Now as I watch her learning to sleep with it by turning to the side and covering part of her little face with it, it brings great joy to know she's learning to attach. 

And pictures like the one here show me that not only is she learning to attach, but my girls are too!!  They loved little man well and they are loving baby girl well also. My heart overflows with joy as I see them give joyfully and selflessly. Will it be easy when baby girl leaves?  Not at all.  But one thing I do know....it'll definitely be worth it....for us all!!!  

Life is a journey...not a destination.

So where has the journey of life taken the Schulte's recently?  Well, this blog was created to journal our adoption journey, but as most of you know, that journey took a big unexpected turn.  So where are  we headed now?  I would like to tell you that I knew...but I've thought that before and been dead wrong.  So I will just share what God has been doing this past few months and wait excitedly to see what he will unfold in the future.  After little man left in May, our family took a few months to process, grieve, and reconnect.  Before our experience with him, I had always said that I could never foster; I could never love a kid and let them go.    What I realized in that time was that we had basically done just that!  We loved him and had to let him go.  Also, while he was with us, we saw how much he grieved over the loss of not being able to be with birth family.  It.was.hard!  Slowly through these experiences God opened our eyes to the world of fostering.    So the beginning of this year, we told our agency we were ready to open our home again, but this time we wanted to strictly foster.  Funny isn't it how God works?  Two years ago I was telling my social worker, older child, legally free, not interested in fostering.  Now I'm telling her younger child (really infant), fostering, not interested in adopting!  We have had a few calls but none that have worked out as a placement in our home.  Then as we wait, God sends another opportunity our way.  Another local foster family had gotten a call about a newborn baby.  Since both parents work, they had to arrange child care during the week for the baby asap.  Insert Schulte family!  How fun!  So we've been watching a sweet newborn for a few weeks.  It's been such a joy to love on the baby and help meet a need for another foster family so they could have the baby with them in their home.  As I watch the girls interact with the baby, I am blessed each time at how open and willing their hearts are to bring this baby in, love on her, knowing it is a temporary thing.  These pictures are of sweet baby with my girls.  (she hasn't experienced lack of being held :) )  We found out recently sweet baby will be heading back to family soon so our season with her will be coming to a close.  But just like any journey, the memories and experience make an impact on your life.  Alongside this chapter, God has opened doors for me (Rachel) to be heading to China in October with America World Adoption Agency to aid in assessing older special needs children in an orphanage with the goal of coming home to tell their stories and help find them forever homes.  After finding out the agency really wanted to focus on sending medical personnel to assess these children, I reached out to several local friends who are in the medical field.  Still watching God write this part of the story, but it looks like several will be joining me in October!  This is a neat experience especially since our adoption journey actually started back in 2011 when Russ and I went to China, came home and began the international adoption process for China.  God closed that door for us to walk through in 2012, but who knows what the next chapter might hold! 

Grateful...

Many of you may remember we created t shirts to raise funds for our adoption….many of you purchased them.  I must admit, since little man leaving us in early May, I have had a hard time putting the t shirt on.  But tonight as I folded clothes and saw it there, I began reading the words again.  For those that may not remember, as we designed the shirt, we asked close friends and family to give us one word that described adoption.  We then placed those words around an outline of the adoption triad…which is a heart and triangle over one another…the heart representing love and the triangle representing the 3 sides that united in the adoption….birth family, child and adoptive family.  So, as I began to read those words around the adoption triad the Lord spoke to my heart.  As much as I cry over the reality that what we thought were plans of adoption of a child into our family, this was not His plan for our family right now….or maybe never.  But He reminded me that I have been adopted into His family!  And all those words that family and friends spoke regarding adoption are just as true for me as I had planned for them to be for little man.  I honestly have no idea what God has done nor what He will do with all of this for our family…..but I do know that these words ring true for me as an adopted daughter of the King!  And for that I can follow Him…wherever He calls our family to go!
So, if you purchased a t-shirt in support of our adoption, please still wear it!  And as you do if you know Jesus as your Savior and have been adopted into God’s family as a child of His, then read those words to yourself and be encouraged!  And please continue to pray for little man.  He has sporadically contacted us these past few months.  As you can imagine, words are sparse with a 9 year old boy via text and phone, but he has shared some with us.  It is always challenging for me after talking to him but God has continued to meet me in my doubt and remind me that His ways are higher than mine and to trust Him!  And this summer we have had a wonderfully relaxing, family filled time together.  God knows what we needed and He provided!    I am grateful for that. 

God's hand is evident in our lives....

Throughout this entire ordeal with little man, I have felt a peace that is really unexplainable, however there is some level of doubt and questioning that I feel as well.  There is one thing that has remained constant and that is the knowledge that God has and always will be with me.  This could not have been made more clear today than in how he orchestrated the details in the passing of my grandmother.  First off earlier in the day I had a very encouraging conversation with a friend of mine.  She referenced how encouraged she recently was in how God was showing her tangible ways he was taking care of her.  As I listened to her I was encouraged myself of His faithfulness to His children.  Then he allowed these events to unfold.  …..This morning my aunt called and asked me if she could drop by some papers for me to give my dad.  I told her since we would be out later in the day running errands, I could just swing by and get them.  She was at the hospice facility my grandmother had been moved to the day before.  Russ got off work and ended up going with us on our errands…which meant that instead of my aunt meeting me out front with the papers bc I had the girls, I decided to run inside the facility and get them myself and leave the kids in the van with Russ.  I ran in quickly and gave her a kiss on the cheek and told her I loved her.  As I kissed her my aunt commented, “Gram, can you give Rachel a smile?”  She did.  That will be my last memory of her.  So as I was leaving, I texted my mom and dad, who happened to be in a town nearby, that I thought it might not be much longer that Gram would be with us.  I had taken the girls to see her the day before and she had made a rapid decline in my opinion.  They decided to head there to be with her.  Within an hour of me leaving I received a text from my dad that my grandmother had passed peacefully while he and one of his sisters stood at her bedside holding her hand.  So thankful he could be there and so thankful I got to kiss her and see that smile one last time.  And it was all because of some papers I decided to pick up from my Aunt at a certain time this afternoon, then a decision to text my dad about her condition.  Some might say that its all coincidence, but I can’t believe that.  God’s hand is evident in all of this.  God has and always will be with me.  And I am so grateful he’s given me a front row seat at seeing that today.  

change in our plans.......

Our adoption journey has taken a staggering change in direction.  We have had to make the very difficult and painful decision that our family just can not meet the needs of little man, therefore he is no longer in our home.  This may come as a complete shock to you and in many ways our family is still dealing with the shock.  First off let me say that there has not been any “one incident” or issue that has caused this decision.  It has been a myriad of things over many months that have caused us to realize we just can not give the time, energy, and attention to meet his needs without sacrificing the needs of the rest of the family.  Little man is an incredible kid and we love him dearly.  It is still hard to reconcile how we could feel so certain of God’s calling to move in the direction of adoption, then feel so certain He has other plans.  My verse for little man has been Jeremiah 29:11 “For I know the plans I have for you….plans to prosper, not to harm you.  Plans to give you a hope and a future.”  Early on in this journey I had put a picture of his first visit to our home on the refrigerator and realized that the magnet I had used had this verse on it.  Here that picture is…. 

Although I thought God’s plans were for him to be a part of our family forever, I am learning to trust in God’s promise to him.  God knows the plans He has for little man.  I obviously don’t…and may never!  But I must trust in the one who loves him more than I ever could.  God is in control and He knows what little man needs!  

As time moves forward I hope to use this blog to share in our experience of fostering this young man.  God has and will continue to use this journey to shape all our lives.  I am confident of that.  

Love

Love…appropriate title for a blog post now, right?  I thought so.  :-)  Love…a word with so much meaning behind it.  So many ways to show it, to love, and to be loved.  The word that I am choosing to use this day to define love is sacrifice.  Anyone in any kind of relationship (parent/child, marriage, friendship, co-worker) knows that it isn’t always easy to love others.  Oh, it can be…and can be lots of fun and very rewarding, but it can also be lots of work and sacrifice.  That is where I find myself today.  

Russ said to me the other day, “Rachel, just think about how our parenting in love can be such a reflection of God’s love for us and for our children.”  Sounds great…and it is, but the reality of it is that it is not always easy.  And in our current state, it is oftentimes not easy.  Parenting in general is a tough enough job, but add in a child whose been parented (or not parented) for 9 years and love just got tougher!  See, our little mans deepest desire is no different than any of our own…to know and feel loved, to feel desired, to feel wanted.  I believe this is a God given desire.  We were created in the image of God with this need.  In a perfect world, we would all have those desires met.  Many of us have.  I’m not certain our little man has.  And with that comes lots of pain, lots of sadness, and lots of anger.  Some of the simplest of interactions can turn into a raging storm inside little mans head.  And they can come at any time, over something seemingly simple.  I’ll be honest.  It isn’t always easy to love him in those moments!  But if I’m honest with myself, I have those moments too…and I’m sure those who know and love me would say I’m not always easy to love either!  

Scripture is flooded with verses about God’s love by sacrificing His son for us.  Romans 8:32   “He who did not spare his own Son….”  John 3:16 “For God so loved the world that he gave His only son”  Romans 5: 8 “But God demonstrates His own love for us in this: While we were still sinners, Christ died for us.”    Love = sacrifice.  I am beginning to understand this in a whole new light.  For that I am thankful…..even in the tough times.  

In closing, I would love to share a specific prayer request on behalf of our family.  February 22, 2015 marks the 6 month date of when little man moved in.  After this date, we can then petition the court seeking adoption of him.  This is both his and our desire.  We meet Friday Feb. 27 with his adoption specialist to sign the paperwork.  We have been told that it is just a matter of procedure after this point and we should expect about 2-3 months of waiting before making things final in the courtroom before a judge.  Please join us in praying that all goes smoothly and we can finalize the adoption soon!!!  

Things I've Learned From Little Man....

Any time (past or present) I have talked with others who have adopted, there is one thing that I think I hear from every person, and that is that they have learned and grown way more themselves than they ever imagined through the process.  Well, I am happy to admit I am in that camp now too!  I have been stretched more emotionally and mentally in these last 5 months than I would have ever imagined.  Here's some things having little man has taught me....and some ramblings to go along with it!

1.  I will never be able to comprehend just how brave and strong this little guy is!  He is such an incredible kid!  Easy to love (most of the time :) ) and genuinely grateful to be with us (again, most of the time :) ).  As we grow to know each other more he is becoming more open and vulnerable with us and we are so grateful.   We were talking over the holidays about his attending a basketball camp.  I pointed out that he likely wouldn't know anyone there at first, and asked how would he feel about that.  His response was that it didn't matter to him.  Then I stopped and thought about it.....this little 3 day camp was nothing compared to moving in with complete strangers...for the rest of your life!!  Wowzers!!!  Reality check!!! 

2.  This one is a real shocker I'm sure.....but bringing a child of ANY age into your home causes upheaval in the family system.  Whether an infant whose feeding and diaper changes are endless along with sleepless nights or an older child who comes with an opinion, attitude and their own habits.  Either can, and will, change the family dynamic.  

3.  Regression can be a healthy thing.  As I had a therapist recently tell me.....we all have the need to go through the stages of development in our lifetime.  Some get it starting at birth, others a little later, and some as adults may have to go through those stages.  There are stages we are quite certain little man has missed this far and our desire is for him to move through them at his pace.  This can take on many different forms.  There are moments when he's acting more like an adult (a role he has had to take on at times), moments when he is a typical 9 year old boy, and moments when he is more infantile.  These are the times when I am reminded that regression to earlier stages can and is a healthy thing for little man, and I want to love him in and through these stages!

4.  I long to have him feel safe enough to share openly with us about anything, but I have come to realize I will need to learn how to be ok if he never gets there.  Often times we will get in conversations about his past and I want him to open the floodgates and share all.  I really have to hold myself back from wanting to fire off questions just to get my answers.  There are times he is open to talk and other times he isn't.  I need to be ok with that!  But its sooooo hard.........  

5.  I do have enough love in my heart for a 4th child, and God has placed it there.  I will admit there was a thought at one time, "will I be able to love him like the girls?" but God has made that happen!  Just the other day little man came up to me and hugged on me saying, "this is my momma...my momma" while Emily was sitting next to me.  I was fully prepared to have to navigate the stickiness of Emily responding that No indeed, I was not his mom, but I was hers.  However, Emily looked at him and said, "She isn't your mom, she is OUR mom!"  Oh what a delight that was to hear!  And I had the opportunity at that point to share with little man that God has given me so much love in my heart that he has given me 4 children with whom to share it!  As I told that to him, it was as if I was talking to myself, and God allowed me to be reminded of those doubts and how he had taken care of them!

6.  Two steps forward and one step back IS STILL PROGRESS!!!!  In our experience, to get the beauty of good days, there is often a bad day leading up to it!  It seems that as we begin to show consistency and extend love and grace to little man he is slowly letting us in to his inner world.  Those times are precious.  But inevitably, those precious times tend to follow a hard time.  I am choosing to adopt the motto...Two steps forward one step back is still progress!  ;-)

That's all this jumbled brain has got for now......likely more ramblings to come again soon!