Grateful...

Many of you may remember we created t shirts to raise funds for our adoption….many of you purchased them.  I must admit, since little man leaving us in early May, I have had a hard time putting the t shirt on.  But tonight as I folded clothes and saw it there, I began reading the words again.  For those that may not remember, as we designed the shirt, we asked close friends and family to give us one word that described adoption.  We then placed those words around an outline of the adoption triad…which is a heart and triangle over one another…the heart representing love and the triangle representing the 3 sides that united in the adoption….birth family, child and adoptive family.  So, as I began to read those words around the adoption triad the Lord spoke to my heart.  As much as I cry over the reality that what we thought were plans of adoption of a child into our family, this was not His plan for our family right now….or maybe never.  But He reminded me that I have been adopted into His family!  And all those words that family and friends spoke regarding adoption are just as true for me as I had planned for them to be for little man.  I honestly have no idea what God has done nor what He will do with all of this for our family…..but I do know that these words ring true for me as an adopted daughter of the King!  And for that I can follow Him…wherever He calls our family to go!
So, if you purchased a t-shirt in support of our adoption, please still wear it!  And as you do if you know Jesus as your Savior and have been adopted into God’s family as a child of His, then read those words to yourself and be encouraged!  And please continue to pray for little man.  He has sporadically contacted us these past few months.  As you can imagine, words are sparse with a 9 year old boy via text and phone, but he has shared some with us.  It is always challenging for me after talking to him but God has continued to meet me in my doubt and remind me that His ways are higher than mine and to trust Him!  And this summer we have had a wonderfully relaxing, family filled time together.  God knows what we needed and He provided!    I am grateful for that. 

God's hand is evident in our lives....

Throughout this entire ordeal with little man, I have felt a peace that is really unexplainable, however there is some level of doubt and questioning that I feel as well.  There is one thing that has remained constant and that is the knowledge that God has and always will be with me.  This could not have been made more clear today than in how he orchestrated the details in the passing of my grandmother.  First off earlier in the day I had a very encouraging conversation with a friend of mine.  She referenced how encouraged she recently was in how God was showing her tangible ways he was taking care of her.  As I listened to her I was encouraged myself of His faithfulness to His children.  Then he allowed these events to unfold.  …..This morning my aunt called and asked me if she could drop by some papers for me to give my dad.  I told her since we would be out later in the day running errands, I could just swing by and get them.  She was at the hospice facility my grandmother had been moved to the day before.  Russ got off work and ended up going with us on our errands…which meant that instead of my aunt meeting me out front with the papers bc I had the girls, I decided to run inside the facility and get them myself and leave the kids in the van with Russ.  I ran in quickly and gave her a kiss on the cheek and told her I loved her.  As I kissed her my aunt commented, “Gram, can you give Rachel a smile?”  She did.  That will be my last memory of her.  So as I was leaving, I texted my mom and dad, who happened to be in a town nearby, that I thought it might not be much longer that Gram would be with us.  I had taken the girls to see her the day before and she had made a rapid decline in my opinion.  They decided to head there to be with her.  Within an hour of me leaving I received a text from my dad that my grandmother had passed peacefully while he and one of his sisters stood at her bedside holding her hand.  So thankful he could be there and so thankful I got to kiss her and see that smile one last time.  And it was all because of some papers I decided to pick up from my Aunt at a certain time this afternoon, then a decision to text my dad about her condition.  Some might say that its all coincidence, but I can’t believe that.  God’s hand is evident in all of this.  God has and always will be with me.  And I am so grateful he’s given me a front row seat at seeing that today.  

change in our plans.......

Our adoption journey has taken a staggering change in direction.  We have had to make the very difficult and painful decision that our family just can not meet the needs of little man, therefore he is no longer in our home.  This may come as a complete shock to you and in many ways our family is still dealing with the shock.  First off let me say that there has not been any “one incident” or issue that has caused this decision.  It has been a myriad of things over many months that have caused us to realize we just can not give the time, energy, and attention to meet his needs without sacrificing the needs of the rest of the family.  Little man is an incredible kid and we love him dearly.  It is still hard to reconcile how we could feel so certain of God’s calling to move in the direction of adoption, then feel so certain He has other plans.  My verse for little man has been Jeremiah 29:11 “For I know the plans I have for you….plans to prosper, not to harm you.  Plans to give you a hope and a future.”  Early on in this journey I had put a picture of his first visit to our home on the refrigerator and realized that the magnet I had used had this verse on it.  Here that picture is…. 

Although I thought God’s plans were for him to be a part of our family forever, I am learning to trust in God’s promise to him.  God knows the plans He has for little man.  I obviously don’t…and may never!  But I must trust in the one who loves him more than I ever could.  God is in control and He knows what little man needs!  

As time moves forward I hope to use this blog to share in our experience of fostering this young man.  God has and will continue to use this journey to shape all our lives.  I am confident of that.  

Love

Love…appropriate title for a blog post now, right?  I thought so.  :-)  Love…a word with so much meaning behind it.  So many ways to show it, to love, and to be loved.  The word that I am choosing to use this day to define love is sacrifice.  Anyone in any kind of relationship (parent/child, marriage, friendship, co-worker) knows that it isn’t always easy to love others.  Oh, it can be…and can be lots of fun and very rewarding, but it can also be lots of work and sacrifice.  That is where I find myself today.  

Russ said to me the other day, “Rachel, just think about how our parenting in love can be such a reflection of God’s love for us and for our children.”  Sounds great…and it is, but the reality of it is that it is not always easy.  And in our current state, it is oftentimes not easy.  Parenting in general is a tough enough job, but add in a child whose been parented (or not parented) for 9 years and love just got tougher!  See, our little mans deepest desire is no different than any of our own…to know and feel loved, to feel desired, to feel wanted.  I believe this is a God given desire.  We were created in the image of God with this need.  In a perfect world, we would all have those desires met.  Many of us have.  I’m not certain our little man has.  And with that comes lots of pain, lots of sadness, and lots of anger.  Some of the simplest of interactions can turn into a raging storm inside little mans head.  And they can come at any time, over something seemingly simple.  I’ll be honest.  It isn’t always easy to love him in those moments!  But if I’m honest with myself, I have those moments too…and I’m sure those who know and love me would say I’m not always easy to love either!  

Scripture is flooded with verses about God’s love by sacrificing His son for us.  Romans 8:32   “He who did not spare his own Son….”  John 3:16 “For God so loved the world that he gave His only son”  Romans 5: 8 “But God demonstrates His own love for us in this: While we were still sinners, Christ died for us.”    Love = sacrifice.  I am beginning to understand this in a whole new light.  For that I am thankful…..even in the tough times.  

In closing, I would love to share a specific prayer request on behalf of our family.  February 22, 2015 marks the 6 month date of when little man moved in.  After this date, we can then petition the court seeking adoption of him.  This is both his and our desire.  We meet Friday Feb. 27 with his adoption specialist to sign the paperwork.  We have been told that it is just a matter of procedure after this point and we should expect about 2-3 months of waiting before making things final in the courtroom before a judge.  Please join us in praying that all goes smoothly and we can finalize the adoption soon!!!  

Things I've Learned From Little Man....

Any time (past or present) I have talked with others who have adopted, there is one thing that I think I hear from every person, and that is that they have learned and grown way more themselves than they ever imagined through the process.  Well, I am happy to admit I am in that camp now too!  I have been stretched more emotionally and mentally in these last 5 months than I would have ever imagined.  Here's some things having little man has taught me....and some ramblings to go along with it!

1.  I will never be able to comprehend just how brave and strong this little guy is!  He is such an incredible kid!  Easy to love (most of the time :) ) and genuinely grateful to be with us (again, most of the time :) ).  As we grow to know each other more he is becoming more open and vulnerable with us and we are so grateful.   We were talking over the holidays about his attending a basketball camp.  I pointed out that he likely wouldn't know anyone there at first, and asked how would he feel about that.  His response was that it didn't matter to him.  Then I stopped and thought about it.....this little 3 day camp was nothing compared to moving in with complete strangers...for the rest of your life!!  Wowzers!!!  Reality check!!! 

2.  This one is a real shocker I'm sure.....but bringing a child of ANY age into your home causes upheaval in the family system.  Whether an infant whose feeding and diaper changes are endless along with sleepless nights or an older child who comes with an opinion, attitude and their own habits.  Either can, and will, change the family dynamic.  

3.  Regression can be a healthy thing.  As I had a therapist recently tell me.....we all have the need to go through the stages of development in our lifetime.  Some get it starting at birth, others a little later, and some as adults may have to go through those stages.  There are stages we are quite certain little man has missed this far and our desire is for him to move through them at his pace.  This can take on many different forms.  There are moments when he's acting more like an adult (a role he has had to take on at times), moments when he is a typical 9 year old boy, and moments when he is more infantile.  These are the times when I am reminded that regression to earlier stages can and is a healthy thing for little man, and I want to love him in and through these stages!

4.  I long to have him feel safe enough to share openly with us about anything, but I have come to realize I will need to learn how to be ok if he never gets there.  Often times we will get in conversations about his past and I want him to open the floodgates and share all.  I really have to hold myself back from wanting to fire off questions just to get my answers.  There are times he is open to talk and other times he isn't.  I need to be ok with that!  But its sooooo hard.........  

5.  I do have enough love in my heart for a 4th child, and God has placed it there.  I will admit there was a thought at one time, "will I be able to love him like the girls?" but God has made that happen!  Just the other day little man came up to me and hugged on me saying, "this is my momma...my momma" while Emily was sitting next to me.  I was fully prepared to have to navigate the stickiness of Emily responding that No indeed, I was not his mom, but I was hers.  However, Emily looked at him and said, "She isn't your mom, she is OUR mom!"  Oh what a delight that was to hear!  And I had the opportunity at that point to share with little man that God has given me so much love in my heart that he has given me 4 children with whom to share it!  As I told that to him, it was as if I was talking to myself, and God allowed me to be reminded of those doubts and how he had taken care of them!

6.  Two steps forward and one step back IS STILL PROGRESS!!!!  In our experience, to get the beauty of good days, there is often a bad day leading up to it!  It seems that as we begin to show consistency and extend love and grace to little man he is slowly letting us in to his inner world.  Those times are precious.  But inevitably, those precious times tend to follow a hard time.  I am choosing to adopt the motto...Two steps forward one step back is still progress!  ;-)

That's all this jumbled brain has got for now......likely more ramblings to come again soon!  

The Sufficiency of Love and Companionship

We are over two months in to having our little man with us.  In so many ways there is so much to be thankful for but it is difficult to explain.  I’m (Russ) asked by folks frequently, “how are things going with him?”  I never really know how to answer this question to be honest.  I probably look like I am feeling awkward or uncomfortable when trying to answer it because most of the time I am.  

The truth is, he is so easy to love.  He gets along with the girls, he responds to our directives sometimes more quickly and easily than the girls, he rarely displays any overt residue from his past aside from an occasional episode that could be seen as “normal” for any 9 year old boy.  It is as if sometimes I believe that it shouldn’t be this easy and feel awkward knowing how to explain this perplexity that I feel.  It is as if he has been here with us all the time.  On the one hand this feels so unnatural to what I expected, and on the other I feel great relief, gladness and gratitude.  It often feels like this journey  is more beautifully chartered than I imagined.

The bumps in the journey have definitely stretched Rachel and I but have felt manageable all the same.  Going into this adventure we were well educated on preparing for other larger than life, mostly unresolvable and polarizing challenges that a multiracial family will encounter - not just from external pressures but also from within.  We have been fortunate enough that we have not faced any of those challenges from outside up to this point.  In fact, I have some embarrassment in admitting how surprised I’ve been by encountering many black parents refer to our little man as “our son” with nothing verbal or nonverbal that would suggest that this is just who he is.  I guess I prepared to have more of a complicated and tight-rope walking transition with a lot of questions that would bring my heart rate up and lead to a lot of feeling compelled to justify or defend our decision.  Whether right or wrong, these were some of the things I have tried to prepare myself for thinking that, at least for me, it would be one of the most difficult things to traverse.

I actually felt more prepared for the challenges from within.  I am equally embarrassed to say that this was likely due to a psuedo sense of having more control over these circumstances than the ones from outside.  Apparently, I have learned nothing from having three biological children because I have come to know painstakingly well that any notion of being able to order and influence their mind, heart or soul has been a lesson in futility.  But somehow I suppose I had convinced myself that due to perfecting the failure with this for nine years prior to his arrival I was now more prepared to help him navigate the aching wounds that he carries.  We could offer him love and companionship...wouldn’t that be enough?

Well, the answer to that question appears to be “no” - AND “yes”. I have come to face the realities of powerlessness at even a deeper level with little man in my life.  No matter how well or strategically cunning I operate, I am faced with the nagging truth that I am powerless to change his psyche. He often times seems to present with a belief that no one is worthy to be trusted with his inner most thoughts and feelings.  For Rachel and I understand why this is while also desperately clinging to the hope that his vulnerability and trust in us is the only way towards his experience of healing and love.  This hope has brought with it an agony as we observe our little man feeling his way into his fear and uncertainty.  It is not a journey that we can protect him from, but only walk alongside.  

And it is this that leads us to understand that our love and companionship are enough.  For we have not been called to carry his burden but rather see him through it.  It can not have been better illustrated than that portrayed in the Lord of the Rings triology.  As Frodo Baggins was called to carry the one ring unto completion of his task, Samwise Gamgee was equally called to accompany Frodo as his companion.  Sam came to understand he could not save Frodo from the agony and burden that he was carrying.    Simply, he was there to provide his friendship, love, affection, encouragement, counsel, equilibrium and strength along the journey.  It was this role that he came to embrace for Frodo and we witness the sufficiency of love and companionship.               

I want to grow as a Samwise Gamgee for our little man, as well as my wife and three daughters.  It is a role I have also come to understand is wrought with tears, uncertainty and fears.  But in my weakness, pain and powerlessness, I too have discovered the birth of hope.  And I wish to cling to it as we travel towards completion at Mount Doom in Mordor.

Growth....

So this whole process of adoption has been one of exciting times, yes, but also difficult times.  No one likes to write about the difficulties....they aren’t any fun now are they?  Well with the difficulties and trials comes growth.  Growth is a good thing! (unless its sideways...in that case I guess you could argue it isn’t any good :-) )    

My growth comes in the form of a lie....that turned into something encouraging?!?!  How does that happen?  Let me to share....

This afternoon little man sat down to do his homework.  It was a sheet with clocks and he was to be reading and recording the analog time on them.  So he set off to the task at hand.  Insert key piece here......Earlier in the week he had seen Olivia and me working with a clock we have for homeschool that when you place the hands on the numbers there is a window where you can see the time.....Okay....back to story.  So when I came back in the room, he had gone and gotten the clock.  Immediately I knew what he was doing....just copying the placement of the hands on the paper to those on the clock so he could get the numbers and move on!  Oh sly one.....he just thought he could get away with that one...ha ha!  So I asked him what he was doing with the clock and immediately an answer came out, “I don’t understand these lines.  I’m just trying to figure it out.”  The only problem with that answer is that he had gotten a couple problems in (and gotten them correct) then suddenly realized he didn’t know how to do it.  Oops....he didn’t think that one out very well!!! (and I’m not complaining about that!)  So as I talked with him about the fact that his answer wasn’t consistent with his doing the work before, I asked him if he might have another answer as to why he was using the clock.  He thought about it then opted to tell the truth!  He was using the clock to make it easier!  Now, why was this encouraging you might ask?  I was encouraged that when faced with the opportunity to continue with his story and lie, or to tell the truth, he told the truth!  This is a situation I could see playing out with any of my other children, so I don’t think it is specific to our situation with little man.  However with little man we haven’t had the years of investing in him so I was super encouraged to see him open to confessing.  So as I sat with him I thought to myself, “what do I do now?”  What I wanted from him was to hear him say he was sorry and reconcile so we could move on.  I didn’t get that from him.  He wasn’t able to say sorry and I had to be okay with that.  Not easy for me!  It was in that moment God just whispered in my ear.....”just hug him and hold him and reassure him you love him.”  I asked him if he would come near and let me hug him.  He did and just wrapped his little arms around me and held on for a good minute or so.  I just sat there and held him.  Afterwards I reminded him of how honesty and trust were important in a relationship and how I was thankful he was honest and told me the truth.  A friend who has also adopted had once shared with me that a good way to handle discipline (particular speaking to children from hard places) is not to try and enforce punitive consequences or even taking things away, but rather to have a “time in” approach.  Spend time with the child doing something so your building your relationship with them and in that context letting them know their actions aren’t acceptable but that they are!  So, we went outside together for a bit.  Honestly, it was healing both for me and him!  I don’t know about you but when someone wrongs me its not so natural for me to want to be around them.  But this was so helpful for us both.  So, chalk one up for growth on my part....and hopefully growth in his little heart as well!!!  :-)