How do I not get so attached?

How do I not get so attached?  I'm asked that question often and my response each time is, "I absolutely am attached!"  But you know what I'm beginning to understand?  Attachment is exactly what baby girl (and any kid for that matter) needs! And although I may only be in her life a short period of time, I want her to experience attachment, experience love, and experience family. 

God has a way of using our past to shape us. If you're reading this blog you likely know that this time last year we had to let little man go from our home. Our intentions when bringing him to our home was straight up adoption....not fostering.  I was definitely of the mindset that I could never foster. Loving a child then letting them go.... I could never do that. After he left, God open my eyes to the reality that fostering is just what we had done. And as a matter of fact, I could love a kid then let them go. I had done so with little man!  

Within the first week of having baby girl I wrestled with the decision of whether or not to buy her a "lovey" (for those who don't know what I'm talking about....it's the little animal heads with a small soft blanket attached). These items have been crucial for my girls. Lots of searching and lost sleep over looking for them near bedtime (any other parents identify with this?!?! 😩). I was concerned that if I got her one and she got attached to it, that when she left it might not be a priority for those she went home to and would therefore have another "loss" in not having it. A seasoned foster mom encouraged me to get it and reminded me that baby girl forming that attachment now would help shape her ability to form attachment later in life. Better to be able to attach and lose it than to never attach at all. Such wisdom from that mom!! Thank you Haley 😀. Now as I watch her learning to sleep with it by turning to the side and covering part of her little face with it, it brings great joy to know she's learning to attach. 

And pictures like the one here show me that not only is she learning to attach, but my girls are too!!  They loved little man well and they are loving baby girl well also. My heart overflows with joy as I see them give joyfully and selflessly. Will it be easy when baby girl leaves?  Not at all.  But one thing I do know....it'll definitely be worth it....for us all!!!  

Life is a journey...not a destination.

So where has the journey of life taken the Schulte's recently?  Well, this blog was created to journal our adoption journey, but as most of you know, that journey took a big unexpected turn.  So where are  we headed now?  I would like to tell you that I knew...but I've thought that before and been dead wrong.  So I will just share what God has been doing this past few months and wait excitedly to see what he will unfold in the future.  After little man left in May, our family took a few months to process, grieve, and reconnect.  Before our experience with him, I had always said that I could never foster; I could never love a kid and let them go.    What I realized in that time was that we had basically done just that!  We loved him and had to let him go.  Also, while he was with us, we saw how much he grieved over the loss of not being able to be with birth family.  It.was.hard!  Slowly through these experiences God opened our eyes to the world of fostering.    So the beginning of this year, we told our agency we were ready to open our home again, but this time we wanted to strictly foster.  Funny isn't it how God works?  Two years ago I was telling my social worker, older child, legally free, not interested in fostering.  Now I'm telling her younger child (really infant), fostering, not interested in adopting!  We have had a few calls but none that have worked out as a placement in our home.  Then as we wait, God sends another opportunity our way.  Another local foster family had gotten a call about a newborn baby.  Since both parents work, they had to arrange child care during the week for the baby asap.  Insert Schulte family!  How fun!  So we've been watching a sweet newborn for a few weeks.  It's been such a joy to love on the baby and help meet a need for another foster family so they could have the baby with them in their home.  As I watch the girls interact with the baby, I am blessed each time at how open and willing their hearts are to bring this baby in, love on her, knowing it is a temporary thing.  These pictures are of sweet baby with my girls.  (she hasn't experienced lack of being held :) )  We found out recently sweet baby will be heading back to family soon so our season with her will be coming to a close.  But just like any journey, the memories and experience make an impact on your life.  Alongside this chapter, God has opened doors for me (Rachel) to be heading to China in October with America World Adoption Agency to aid in assessing older special needs children in an orphanage with the goal of coming home to tell their stories and help find them forever homes.  After finding out the agency really wanted to focus on sending medical personnel to assess these children, I reached out to several local friends who are in the medical field.  Still watching God write this part of the story, but it looks like several will be joining me in October!  This is a neat experience especially since our adoption journey actually started back in 2011 when Russ and I went to China, came home and began the international adoption process for China.  God closed that door for us to walk through in 2012, but who knows what the next chapter might hold! 

Grateful...

Many of you may remember we created t shirts to raise funds for our adoption….many of you purchased them.  I must admit, since little man leaving us in early May, I have had a hard time putting the t shirt on.  But tonight as I folded clothes and saw it there, I began reading the words again.  For those that may not remember, as we designed the shirt, we asked close friends and family to give us one word that described adoption.  We then placed those words around an outline of the adoption triad…which is a heart and triangle over one another…the heart representing love and the triangle representing the 3 sides that united in the adoption….birth family, child and adoptive family.  So, as I began to read those words around the adoption triad the Lord spoke to my heart.  As much as I cry over the reality that what we thought were plans of adoption of a child into our family, this was not His plan for our family right now….or maybe never.  But He reminded me that I have been adopted into His family!  And all those words that family and friends spoke regarding adoption are just as true for me as I had planned for them to be for little man.  I honestly have no idea what God has done nor what He will do with all of this for our family…..but I do know that these words ring true for me as an adopted daughter of the King!  And for that I can follow Him…wherever He calls our family to go!
So, if you purchased a t-shirt in support of our adoption, please still wear it!  And as you do if you know Jesus as your Savior and have been adopted into God’s family as a child of His, then read those words to yourself and be encouraged!  And please continue to pray for little man.  He has sporadically contacted us these past few months.  As you can imagine, words are sparse with a 9 year old boy via text and phone, but he has shared some with us.  It is always challenging for me after talking to him but God has continued to meet me in my doubt and remind me that His ways are higher than mine and to trust Him!  And this summer we have had a wonderfully relaxing, family filled time together.  God knows what we needed and He provided!    I am grateful for that. 

God's hand is evident in our lives....

Throughout this entire ordeal with little man, I have felt a peace that is really unexplainable, however there is some level of doubt and questioning that I feel as well.  There is one thing that has remained constant and that is the knowledge that God has and always will be with me.  This could not have been made more clear today than in how he orchestrated the details in the passing of my grandmother.  First off earlier in the day I had a very encouraging conversation with a friend of mine.  She referenced how encouraged she recently was in how God was showing her tangible ways he was taking care of her.  As I listened to her I was encouraged myself of His faithfulness to His children.  Then he allowed these events to unfold.  …..This morning my aunt called and asked me if she could drop by some papers for me to give my dad.  I told her since we would be out later in the day running errands, I could just swing by and get them.  She was at the hospice facility my grandmother had been moved to the day before.  Russ got off work and ended up going with us on our errands…which meant that instead of my aunt meeting me out front with the papers bc I had the girls, I decided to run inside the facility and get them myself and leave the kids in the van with Russ.  I ran in quickly and gave her a kiss on the cheek and told her I loved her.  As I kissed her my aunt commented, “Gram, can you give Rachel a smile?”  She did.  That will be my last memory of her.  So as I was leaving, I texted my mom and dad, who happened to be in a town nearby, that I thought it might not be much longer that Gram would be with us.  I had taken the girls to see her the day before and she had made a rapid decline in my opinion.  They decided to head there to be with her.  Within an hour of me leaving I received a text from my dad that my grandmother had passed peacefully while he and one of his sisters stood at her bedside holding her hand.  So thankful he could be there and so thankful I got to kiss her and see that smile one last time.  And it was all because of some papers I decided to pick up from my Aunt at a certain time this afternoon, then a decision to text my dad about her condition.  Some might say that its all coincidence, but I can’t believe that.  God’s hand is evident in all of this.  God has and always will be with me.  And I am so grateful he’s given me a front row seat at seeing that today.  

change in our plans.......

Our adoption journey has taken a staggering change in direction.  We have had to make the very difficult and painful decision that our family just can not meet the needs of little man, therefore he is no longer in our home.  This may come as a complete shock to you and in many ways our family is still dealing with the shock.  First off let me say that there has not been any “one incident” or issue that has caused this decision.  It has been a myriad of things over many months that have caused us to realize we just can not give the time, energy, and attention to meet his needs without sacrificing the needs of the rest of the family.  Little man is an incredible kid and we love him dearly.  It is still hard to reconcile how we could feel so certain of God’s calling to move in the direction of adoption, then feel so certain He has other plans.  My verse for little man has been Jeremiah 29:11 “For I know the plans I have for you….plans to prosper, not to harm you.  Plans to give you a hope and a future.”  Early on in this journey I had put a picture of his first visit to our home on the refrigerator and realized that the magnet I had used had this verse on it.  Here that picture is…. 

Although I thought God’s plans were for him to be a part of our family forever, I am learning to trust in God’s promise to him.  God knows the plans He has for little man.  I obviously don’t…and may never!  But I must trust in the one who loves him more than I ever could.  God is in control and He knows what little man needs!  

As time moves forward I hope to use this blog to share in our experience of fostering this young man.  God has and will continue to use this journey to shape all our lives.  I am confident of that.  

Love

Love…appropriate title for a blog post now, right?  I thought so.  :-)  Love…a word with so much meaning behind it.  So many ways to show it, to love, and to be loved.  The word that I am choosing to use this day to define love is sacrifice.  Anyone in any kind of relationship (parent/child, marriage, friendship, co-worker) knows that it isn’t always easy to love others.  Oh, it can be…and can be lots of fun and very rewarding, but it can also be lots of work and sacrifice.  That is where I find myself today.  

Russ said to me the other day, “Rachel, just think about how our parenting in love can be such a reflection of God’s love for us and for our children.”  Sounds great…and it is, but the reality of it is that it is not always easy.  And in our current state, it is oftentimes not easy.  Parenting in general is a tough enough job, but add in a child whose been parented (or not parented) for 9 years and love just got tougher!  See, our little mans deepest desire is no different than any of our own…to know and feel loved, to feel desired, to feel wanted.  I believe this is a God given desire.  We were created in the image of God with this need.  In a perfect world, we would all have those desires met.  Many of us have.  I’m not certain our little man has.  And with that comes lots of pain, lots of sadness, and lots of anger.  Some of the simplest of interactions can turn into a raging storm inside little mans head.  And they can come at any time, over something seemingly simple.  I’ll be honest.  It isn’t always easy to love him in those moments!  But if I’m honest with myself, I have those moments too…and I’m sure those who know and love me would say I’m not always easy to love either!  

Scripture is flooded with verses about God’s love by sacrificing His son for us.  Romans 8:32   “He who did not spare his own Son….”  John 3:16 “For God so loved the world that he gave His only son”  Romans 5: 8 “But God demonstrates His own love for us in this: While we were still sinners, Christ died for us.”    Love = sacrifice.  I am beginning to understand this in a whole new light.  For that I am thankful…..even in the tough times.  

In closing, I would love to share a specific prayer request on behalf of our family.  February 22, 2015 marks the 6 month date of when little man moved in.  After this date, we can then petition the court seeking adoption of him.  This is both his and our desire.  We meet Friday Feb. 27 with his adoption specialist to sign the paperwork.  We have been told that it is just a matter of procedure after this point and we should expect about 2-3 months of waiting before making things final in the courtroom before a judge.  Please join us in praying that all goes smoothly and we can finalize the adoption soon!!!  

Things I've Learned From Little Man....

Any time (past or present) I have talked with others who have adopted, there is one thing that I think I hear from every person, and that is that they have learned and grown way more themselves than they ever imagined through the process.  Well, I am happy to admit I am in that camp now too!  I have been stretched more emotionally and mentally in these last 5 months than I would have ever imagined.  Here's some things having little man has taught me....and some ramblings to go along with it!

1.  I will never be able to comprehend just how brave and strong this little guy is!  He is such an incredible kid!  Easy to love (most of the time :) ) and genuinely grateful to be with us (again, most of the time :) ).  As we grow to know each other more he is becoming more open and vulnerable with us and we are so grateful.   We were talking over the holidays about his attending a basketball camp.  I pointed out that he likely wouldn't know anyone there at first, and asked how would he feel about that.  His response was that it didn't matter to him.  Then I stopped and thought about it.....this little 3 day camp was nothing compared to moving in with complete strangers...for the rest of your life!!  Wowzers!!!  Reality check!!! 

2.  This one is a real shocker I'm sure.....but bringing a child of ANY age into your home causes upheaval in the family system.  Whether an infant whose feeding and diaper changes are endless along with sleepless nights or an older child who comes with an opinion, attitude and their own habits.  Either can, and will, change the family dynamic.  

3.  Regression can be a healthy thing.  As I had a therapist recently tell me.....we all have the need to go through the stages of development in our lifetime.  Some get it starting at birth, others a little later, and some as adults may have to go through those stages.  There are stages we are quite certain little man has missed this far and our desire is for him to move through them at his pace.  This can take on many different forms.  There are moments when he's acting more like an adult (a role he has had to take on at times), moments when he is a typical 9 year old boy, and moments when he is more infantile.  These are the times when I am reminded that regression to earlier stages can and is a healthy thing for little man, and I want to love him in and through these stages!

4.  I long to have him feel safe enough to share openly with us about anything, but I have come to realize I will need to learn how to be ok if he never gets there.  Often times we will get in conversations about his past and I want him to open the floodgates and share all.  I really have to hold myself back from wanting to fire off questions just to get my answers.  There are times he is open to talk and other times he isn't.  I need to be ok with that!  But its sooooo hard.........  

5.  I do have enough love in my heart for a 4th child, and God has placed it there.  I will admit there was a thought at one time, "will I be able to love him like the girls?" but God has made that happen!  Just the other day little man came up to me and hugged on me saying, "this is my momma...my momma" while Emily was sitting next to me.  I was fully prepared to have to navigate the stickiness of Emily responding that No indeed, I was not his mom, but I was hers.  However, Emily looked at him and said, "She isn't your mom, she is OUR mom!"  Oh what a delight that was to hear!  And I had the opportunity at that point to share with little man that God has given me so much love in my heart that he has given me 4 children with whom to share it!  As I told that to him, it was as if I was talking to myself, and God allowed me to be reminded of those doubts and how he had taken care of them!

6.  Two steps forward and one step back IS STILL PROGRESS!!!!  In our experience, to get the beauty of good days, there is often a bad day leading up to it!  It seems that as we begin to show consistency and extend love and grace to little man he is slowly letting us in to his inner world.  Those times are precious.  But inevitably, those precious times tend to follow a hard time.  I am choosing to adopt the motto...Two steps forward one step back is still progress!  ;-)

That's all this jumbled brain has got for now......likely more ramblings to come again soon!  

The Sufficiency of Love and Companionship

We are over two months in to having our little man with us.  In so many ways there is so much to be thankful for but it is difficult to explain.  I’m (Russ) asked by folks frequently, “how are things going with him?”  I never really know how to answer this question to be honest.  I probably look like I am feeling awkward or uncomfortable when trying to answer it because most of the time I am.  

The truth is, he is so easy to love.  He gets along with the girls, he responds to our directives sometimes more quickly and easily than the girls, he rarely displays any overt residue from his past aside from an occasional episode that could be seen as “normal” for any 9 year old boy.  It is as if sometimes I believe that it shouldn’t be this easy and feel awkward knowing how to explain this perplexity that I feel.  It is as if he has been here with us all the time.  On the one hand this feels so unnatural to what I expected, and on the other I feel great relief, gladness and gratitude.  It often feels like this journey  is more beautifully chartered than I imagined.

The bumps in the journey have definitely stretched Rachel and I but have felt manageable all the same.  Going into this adventure we were well educated on preparing for other larger than life, mostly unresolvable and polarizing challenges that a multiracial family will encounter - not just from external pressures but also from within.  We have been fortunate enough that we have not faced any of those challenges from outside up to this point.  In fact, I have some embarrassment in admitting how surprised I’ve been by encountering many black parents refer to our little man as “our son” with nothing verbal or nonverbal that would suggest that this is just who he is.  I guess I prepared to have more of a complicated and tight-rope walking transition with a lot of questions that would bring my heart rate up and lead to a lot of feeling compelled to justify or defend our decision.  Whether right or wrong, these were some of the things I have tried to prepare myself for thinking that, at least for me, it would be one of the most difficult things to traverse.

I actually felt more prepared for the challenges from within.  I am equally embarrassed to say that this was likely due to a psuedo sense of having more control over these circumstances than the ones from outside.  Apparently, I have learned nothing from having three biological children because I have come to know painstakingly well that any notion of being able to order and influence their mind, heart or soul has been a lesson in futility.  But somehow I suppose I had convinced myself that due to perfecting the failure with this for nine years prior to his arrival I was now more prepared to help him navigate the aching wounds that he carries.  We could offer him love and companionship...wouldn’t that be enough?

Well, the answer to that question appears to be “no” - AND “yes”. I have come to face the realities of powerlessness at even a deeper level with little man in my life.  No matter how well or strategically cunning I operate, I am faced with the nagging truth that I am powerless to change his psyche. He often times seems to present with a belief that no one is worthy to be trusted with his inner most thoughts and feelings.  For Rachel and I understand why this is while also desperately clinging to the hope that his vulnerability and trust in us is the only way towards his experience of healing and love.  This hope has brought with it an agony as we observe our little man feeling his way into his fear and uncertainty.  It is not a journey that we can protect him from, but only walk alongside.  

And it is this that leads us to understand that our love and companionship are enough.  For we have not been called to carry his burden but rather see him through it.  It can not have been better illustrated than that portrayed in the Lord of the Rings triology.  As Frodo Baggins was called to carry the one ring unto completion of his task, Samwise Gamgee was equally called to accompany Frodo as his companion.  Sam came to understand he could not save Frodo from the agony and burden that he was carrying.    Simply, he was there to provide his friendship, love, affection, encouragement, counsel, equilibrium and strength along the journey.  It was this role that he came to embrace for Frodo and we witness the sufficiency of love and companionship.               

I want to grow as a Samwise Gamgee for our little man, as well as my wife and three daughters.  It is a role I have also come to understand is wrought with tears, uncertainty and fears.  But in my weakness, pain and powerlessness, I too have discovered the birth of hope.  And I wish to cling to it as we travel towards completion at Mount Doom in Mordor.

Growth....

So this whole process of adoption has been one of exciting times, yes, but also difficult times.  No one likes to write about the difficulties....they aren’t any fun now are they?  Well with the difficulties and trials comes growth.  Growth is a good thing! (unless its sideways...in that case I guess you could argue it isn’t any good :-) )    

My growth comes in the form of a lie....that turned into something encouraging?!?!  How does that happen?  Let me to share....

This afternoon little man sat down to do his homework.  It was a sheet with clocks and he was to be reading and recording the analog time on them.  So he set off to the task at hand.  Insert key piece here......Earlier in the week he had seen Olivia and me working with a clock we have for homeschool that when you place the hands on the numbers there is a window where you can see the time.....Okay....back to story.  So when I came back in the room, he had gone and gotten the clock.  Immediately I knew what he was doing....just copying the placement of the hands on the paper to those on the clock so he could get the numbers and move on!  Oh sly one.....he just thought he could get away with that one...ha ha!  So I asked him what he was doing with the clock and immediately an answer came out, “I don’t understand these lines.  I’m just trying to figure it out.”  The only problem with that answer is that he had gotten a couple problems in (and gotten them correct) then suddenly realized he didn’t know how to do it.  Oops....he didn’t think that one out very well!!! (and I’m not complaining about that!)  So as I talked with him about the fact that his answer wasn’t consistent with his doing the work before, I asked him if he might have another answer as to why he was using the clock.  He thought about it then opted to tell the truth!  He was using the clock to make it easier!  Now, why was this encouraging you might ask?  I was encouraged that when faced with the opportunity to continue with his story and lie, or to tell the truth, he told the truth!  This is a situation I could see playing out with any of my other children, so I don’t think it is specific to our situation with little man.  However with little man we haven’t had the years of investing in him so I was super encouraged to see him open to confessing.  So as I sat with him I thought to myself, “what do I do now?”  What I wanted from him was to hear him say he was sorry and reconcile so we could move on.  I didn’t get that from him.  He wasn’t able to say sorry and I had to be okay with that.  Not easy for me!  It was in that moment God just whispered in my ear.....”just hug him and hold him and reassure him you love him.”  I asked him if he would come near and let me hug him.  He did and just wrapped his little arms around me and held on for a good minute or so.  I just sat there and held him.  Afterwards I reminded him of how honesty and trust were important in a relationship and how I was thankful he was honest and told me the truth.  A friend who has also adopted had once shared with me that a good way to handle discipline (particular speaking to children from hard places) is not to try and enforce punitive consequences or even taking things away, but rather to have a “time in” approach.  Spend time with the child doing something so your building your relationship with them and in that context letting them know their actions aren’t acceptable but that they are!  So, we went outside together for a bit.  Honestly, it was healing both for me and him!  I don’t know about you but when someone wrongs me its not so natural for me to want to be around them.  But this was so helpful for us both.  So, chalk one up for growth on my part....and hopefully growth in his little heart as well!!!  :-)  

Finding a new kind of normal.....

Because you know....you just might need a little head protection during a super intense game of UNO!?!?

Every time I look at this picture I just laugh to myself.  Is this really happening in my house?  Do I really have football equipment and boy toys...and heck....a young boy living in my house!  Talk about a new kind of normal.  Although our girls aren’t the girliest of girls, this Schulte crew certainly is experiencing a whole new world....a world with a crazy hyper, active, rough and tough boy!  There is a definite learning curve going on for us all.  I know my friends with boys just laugh at me!  But hey...instead of laugh at me....pray for me!  ha!  No in all seriousness, things are going really well.  Little man started school last Monday and had a great week!  The first day the principal walked out holding his hand.  I must say my first thought wasn’t positive, but rather, “oh no” however she just wanted to come over and tell me how great he did his first day!  Whew!  That was a great surprise and relief!  ;-)  And his teacher came out to meet me Wednesday with similar news.  Although he has shared that its been scary and nerve wracking at times starting somewhere new, all in all he has done well.  We are so grateful.  

Friday he found out he was going to be able to join a local boys football league that practices at his school.  He has not quit talking about it....literally....he has NOT stopped talking about it.  It is such a joy to see him so excited about something he hasn’t had the opportunity to do before!  But we did finally have to limit the discussion of football...it was a bit overkill!  :-/  Little by little we are getting to know little man better and learn more about him.  Today we were riding in the car and he just starting singing.  I didn’t say anything but just listened to his sweet little voice.  At the dinner table I asked him about it and he just smiled and said he was singing a song he had learned before at a previous church, then just started singing it at the table for us.  I thought that was so sweet!  He really enjoys having someone to play with and can often convince one of the girls to head outside to the trampoline with him.  

Often times people ask me how the girls are adjusting.  Quite honestly, I am very proud of how the girls have adjusted and taken little man in with such warmth and compassion.  Certainly there have been moments for us all that have been a little difficult, but being able to talk to them and have them be open and honest with us about their feelings has helped us all grow closer together.  We’ve had a couple of instances where someone has asked the girls to introduce him or ask to meet their brother and they proudly introduce him to them.  Early on in the adoption process someone shared with me about the reality of how much I will see my girls grow and learn during this family transition.  I couldn’t agree more...and couldn’t be more thankful for all three of them and their desire to embrace our new kind of normal!  I’m so grateful God gave each one of my girls to me!  

just the beginning.....

"God’s plan from the start
For this world and your heart
Has been to show His glory and His grace
Forever revealing the depth and the beauty of
His unfailing Love
And the story has only begun

And this is going to be a glorious unfolding
Just you wait and see and you will be amazed
We’ve just got to believe the story is so far from over
So hold on to every promise God has made to us
And watch this glorious unfolding

Just watch and see
This is just the beginning of the beginning"

These are some of the lyrics to a Stephen Curtis Chapman Song title "Glorious Unfolding".  This morning this song came on the radio and all throughout the day I continued to hear it repeating in my head.  Today was a big day for the Schulte family.  We are one step closer to becoming a family of 6!!!  Little man moved in!  :-)  This is just the beginning.....

And here's the link to hear the song.....listen to it...I think you'll love it to!  

http://youtu.be/rolTdI7I_4M

just some thoughts...and a prayer request too!

Our "official" placement day is fast approaching!  As a matter of fact so fast that it will be here in less than a week!  As I reflect on this approaching day and all the days we have prayed for this to come to fruition, I am struck with an odd and difficult thought.  Although we have prayed many nights for God to bring "our son" to us, I'm pretty sure "our son" hasn't prayed for this to be his course in life.  Ouch!  That doesn't sound...nor does it feel good to say.  Although we are excited about his entering our family, how does he feel?  Yes, yes, I know the right answer.  "Of course he's thankful to have a home where people will love him and care for him."  But does he really know and believe that?  What does "a family who will love and care for him" look like to him?  What is going on in his 8 year old mind?  You know, the longer we have been in the process, the more I have grown to see just how brave and strong he and other children in similar situations have to be.  He has come to stay with us several times.....an 8 year old, packing his bags and coming to stay...with complete strangers!!!  I'm pretty sure I wouldn't have done so well with that at his age!  As a matter of fact, I'm certain I wouldn't have!  I remember coming home homesick from camp...a week long camp...that I came home from a couple days into!  :-/  So with this post I simply ask a request of those of you reading and praying for our family and the adjustment.  Please pray for little man.  Pray for his adjustment.  Pray for him to feel safe enough with us to tell us where is and how he is feeling.  Pray for us to patiently wait and listen if/when he talks.  Pray for us to meet him where he is......good days and bad!  Thanks for all the support and love shown to our family.  We are thankful for you all!!!

Answered prayer!

So school for the little man has been a bit of an unknown for me.  First off we are required to have him schooled in an accredited school while in custody and although we think the Schulte homeschool is top notch ;-), its simply not accredited so he can’t “attend” here.  We had discussed our available options and decided that using the public school system is what is best.  We live in an area zoned for a particular school that although we’ve never heard anything bad about it, we hadn’t heard anything good either.  And there is another school not but a mile down the road that is considered a “magnet” type of school.  We have friends who have and do use this school and all have been very pleased with it.  So based solely off this we decided we should seek out this school as our top priority.  Not being zoned for that school has presented some issues and for the last month we have been working on just even getting a meeting set up with the principal......which still hasn’t happened.  It’s been rather frustrating and disheartening as well.  The logistics of the “move in” and school starting are already going to be tight so I was really hoping to get all this ironed out this past week!  So after not hearing from this schools principal by mid afternoon Wednesday,  I decided maybe it would be a good idea to contact the school we are zoned for and just go by for a visit.  That way at least little man would have seen it before school starts seeing as this was likely going to be the school he attended.  So I called mid afternoon and unbeknownst to me at the time, got the principal on the phone.  As we talked she just asked if we were busy and if not she would stay for us to come up to the school and check it out.  So we all hopped in the car and went!  Now as we were walking in little man comments, “I hope the principal isn’t white.” To which I asked why?  His reply was that his last two principals were white and he didn’t like them.  I then laughingly asked him if he realized that I was white too?  He just kind of laughed.  I then asked if it had more to do with the fact that he possibly spent a good bit of time with them in their office....to which he readily admitted yes to.  :-0    So when we get there we all introduce ourselves and the principal immediately recognizes Nettie’s cochlear implants.  She then tells us that her son has one also and she is so excited to introduce Nettie to everyone.  Immediate connection!  So from there we end up going down the hall to view the rooms.  Two of the three 3rd grade teachers were there, and what I learned later was that they weren’t even required to be there that day...just “happened” to want to be there getting their classrooms ready.  And they stayed to talk to us bc the principal had told them we were stopping by!  How awesome.  So as we enter the classroom, one of the teachers asks little man what his favorite thing about school is to which he promptly replies, “I hate school.  I don’t like anything about it.”  Lovely.  :-/  However this teacher responded with such love and grace and just continued talking with him.  As I watched them interact I really began to get a sense that this is where little man is supposed to be.  So we talked a bit more then the kids wanted to see the playground.  As we were leaving I felt the need to communicate to the teachers our desire to be involved and part of the whole schooling process for him and they both shared how much they wanted to come alongside and make it a team effort.  How encouraging!  So as we saw the outside play area little man spotted a basketball court....to which he was super pumped.  He loves playing basketball.  I told someone the other day...he has bounced everything bounce-able in my house..and even some things I didn’t know were bounce-able he has bounced!!! ;-)  The principal also told us that this school has a football program.....who knew?  She said the coach is a top notch man.  He really seeks to teach the kids the importance of school work/grades and behavior above sports and if either are out of line, they won’t be playing.  She said he also spends time in the school with the boys.  She also thought to point out he was AA.  This alone is an answered prayer!!  We have been praying that God would send opportunities our way to find AA men to invest in little mans life and help him with things we know we won’t be able to.  (much of this awareness has come from our education and training from Bethany Christian Services...and for this we will be eternally grateful!)  At two times while the principal was directly talking to little man he looked away and didn’t look her in the eye.  She calmly asked him to please look her in the eye when she was speaking to him.  Although this sounds simple and basic, it was as if the Lord was giving me a little glimpse into the care and compassion this woman exudes...and I don’t even know her.  Eye contact is a difficult thing for many but especially important for us to be intentional with little man on and I felt such thankfulness that the principal just naturally did it herself.  So as we were getting ready to leave the principal asked me if she could ask me a personal question...to which I replied yes.  She asked me why we weren’t planning to homeschool him like the girls.  As I explained that we couldn’t legally right now and were just going to pray about it for the future as we did with each child each year thus far, she was so supportive and encouraging and I didn’t feel “judged” by my choice of homeschooling vs public school.  Another sweet blessing.  And right before we left, she looked little man in the eye and told him how excited she was for him to be coming, that they had lots of fun there at the school and she wanted him to have fun there too.  She also told him that they wanted to encourage, support and love on him as best they could.  So as I left the school, I was so encouraged and incredibly thankful for that experience and thankful for the confidence that I now feel in regards to the school issue.  Answered prayers!!  I had been praying that we could get things worked out with the other school and never even considered this one might be just where God would have us!  

Walking forward....

The weekend visit has wrapped up and although I have run the gamut of emotions, as I sit here currently I miss the little guy!  Unfortunately most of our activities we planned had to be changed due to the weather not cooperating, but we adjusted!  Friday night ended up being a pizza and movie night.  As a family, we love our Friday night movie time so this felt very normal to us.  However, quickly into the movie I realized this wasn’t quite so normal for the little man.  He was up and down, up and down, and just couldn’t sit still and watch it!  I know some of you parents of boys are laughing at me right now saying, “Rachel....that’s just boy” and maybe your right...but I don’t know boys...yet.  :-)  However I thought to ask him if he watched many movies or much tv.  He said no.  Oh....well that makes sense!  So the journey begins of getting to know him better.  (although I sure hope he begins to enjoy a movie from time to time.....cause we sure do!  :-) )  So Saturday we all went to the farmers market and Walmart.  That was our first time out all together and proved to be quite uneventful....which by the way....is a good thing.  We had plans to head to the pool but oddly enough it was closed!?  So we hung out at the house then went to a dear friends house for dinner.  She has several boys so he thoroughly enjoyed himself running and playing with them. (and I am sure it was a welcome break from all the estrogen!! )  Sunday we all went to church together then hit the pool.  This however didn’t go without eventfulness!  :-0  As we got ready we had asked him if he could swim (yep....you know where this is going.....).  His response was yes. Thankfully neither Russ or I believed him....cause he couldn’t!!!  Russ said you know its like....you don’t have any fear until fear slaps you in the face.  Well fear slapped him in the face in the deep end of the pool.  Honestly he was just playing in the area he could touch and slowly crept out to the deeper waters.  As Russ watched him get deeper and deeper, he began to bob up and down and panic lit up in his little face.  And yes...the good parent...Russ was right there to get him.  Seriously it wasn’t as eventful as I am making it sound.....but he sure didn’t want to get back in the water until we found a life vest.  Hopefully he will learn quickly to love the water.  The girls are little fish and we swim all the time!!!!  That night at the dinner table we were recapping our “highs” and “lows” of the day.  He laughingly said his low was when Russ almost let him drown.  Russ quickly spoke up...”Wait a minute!!!!  I didn’t almost let you drown ...you did that yourself!”  Oh dear.....I can hear that one not going over so well with the social workers!  ;-)  So Monday rolls around and its time for him to return to his current foster home.  As I was driving to meet his social worker it just all become surreal to me.  How unnatural this whole situation was/is seems so natural and normal.  Time and time again God has confirmed in my solid and in my shaky moments that this is the path he is leading Russ and I and our family on...and with confidence we walk forward!  

Finally....an update!!!!

You know when you have that moment of thinking, “you know I’m so far behind why does it even matter?”  Well....that is how I feel right now about this blog!!!  I mean....really.....its been quite some time!  But as I discussed in my previous post....oftentimes there is no news....so no news doesn’t really breed any new posts!  But guess what?  We have an update to share!!!  

There’s a back story to how we got here, so I guess I should share that first.  In October we renewed our home study with Bethany Christian Services.  As we were in that process, we were continually confronted with the question of why were we adopting?  We have asked ourselves that over and over and our answer continues to come that we are to provide a child with a home who otherwise wouldn’t have one.  So in this lay our struggle with infant adoption.  As we hashed out our thoughts with the director of Bethany, she was very honest with us in commenting that there really aren’t any infant orphans in the US.  Someone in the US will adopt an infant.  That the orphans stateside are those children who are older in age.  She encouraged us to began looking at other agencies as we wrestled with this idea.  So we...well, I did!  And I selected profile searches based on sex and an older age of 4 and under.  After many searches it became quite apparent that there just aren’t many children even under 4 who are legally free for adoption.  So I slowly crept my age limit up to 6...still feeling comfortable!  Then one day I ran across a profile of a young boy named Darryl who lived in AL.  Darryl wasn’t 6....he was 13!  :-0  So I sent Russ an email of the profile and asked him to take a look.  I fully expected him to reply by telling me that I had lost my mind and to shut down my computer and walk away!  But guess what?  Much to my surprise...he didn’t!  He simply replied, “Let’s talk about this when I get home.”  Which to me meant it wasn’t ruled out.  But wait a minute!!!!  That wasn’t what he was supposed to say.  Oh my!!!  What had I done?!?!  (ever had those moments!!!!)  So he gets home and we talk about it and for whatever reason we ended up inquiring about this teen.  God used this inquiry for us to learn more about out of state adoption and about adopting out of DHS custody.  We quickly realized we really wanted to try and stay in state if possible.  And we also realized we needed to take some further classes if we wanted to adopt through DHS.  So our pursuit of that began.  And this story in itself is another interworking of the Lord.  I had a college sorority sister who had helped start 200 Million Flowers which helps people interested in adopting.  So I picked up the phone and called them.  The lady I talked with actually had worked with Russ before in a previous counseling position so that was fun connection.  She then referred us to an agency called Southern Christian Services.  So when I called them, I began telling a little of our story and the lady then asked me what our last name was.  When I replied “Schulte” she then said, “Oh my goodness...I know your husband.  I have clients of mine talk about how helpful he has been for them!”  That was cool to hear!  And so our journey with Southern Christian Services began......

We started our mandated DHS training in March and finished that the end of April.  It was during that time that we narrowed down our window of age to 12 and under.  My rationale (good or bad...I don’t know...please don’t judge me ;-) ) was that we already don’t know boys, don’t know black boys, don’t know adoption so we didn’t need to add the “don’t know jr. high” in there as well!!!  Elementary was our cap!  By the end of our training we were being told it could be any day...and with our age range being relatively high that it likely would be quick.  And in the grand scheme of things...it has been quick, but for the next two months...it didn’t feel so quick!!  So we waited sometimes patiently, sometimes not so patiently.  But then, June 18, 2014, the call came! Our social worker called to tell us there was a child....potentially!  What?!?!  A child....maybe?  Either there was or there wasn’t, right?  No..I am kidding.  There were some logistics around the situation that I won’t go in to, but the case worker knew that no matter if this child were to be presented to us or not that we would be praying for them so she decided to go ahead and tell us.  He was an 8 year old AA male.  Well, two days later, Friday, June 20, we were given the green light to view his profile and begin the process!  In God’s perfect planning, we were leaving for the beach the very next day!  Really!!!!  There wasn’t anything we were going to be able to do for another whole week.  Dang it!  But that in itself was a beautiful gift as well.  It made both Russ and I be more aware and intentional with the girls while on vacation.  It kind of reminded me about times past when pregnant with the next child...I’ve always had those moments where I get a little sentimental thinking this is the last time such and such will happen as a family of three...as a family of four, etc....  So I must admit what I already know to be true...God’s timing is perfect!!!

So, we return from vacation on a Friday and set up a meeting with this young boy for that Sunday.  Russ, myself and the girls drove to meet him in Starkville at a yogurt shop.  We met for several hours and all enjoyed our visit.  Leading up to this meeting I was really nervous.  I mean, how does this go?  Is this like an interview?  Hey....you like us?  Do we like you?  I mean really????  Awkward!!!  How do you hold a conversation for any length of time with an 8 year old (boy at that) who you don’t know but want to get to know well...quickly.  I just couldn’t picture how it was going to happen.  But even with all those thoughts, two nights before our meeting God gave me an overwhelming sense of calmness and peace about the meeting.  He also woke me around 5 am the day before and it was almost as if I heard a little whisper saying “pack a bag of games and toys to play”.  Ahhhh!  Genius!  It was such a gift that the Lord gave to me.  So I packed a little bag of toys and they were a hit.  The kids played and talked and we talked and played some as well.  So thankful!!!!  Then came the bizarreness of saying goodbye....not really knowing how he felt...and wanting to all process how we felt.  But we survived!  

Since we met in Starkville, Russ and I decided to take the girls over to the chapel on campus where our whole relationship started.  This is where Russ and I had our “defining the relationship” conversation as well as the place where he proposed to me over 15 years ago!  (yikes...that long, really?)  Here’s a picture we took from the exact pew where we sat.  It was really a special moment with the girls and one of great reflection for me as I sat and thought about where the Lord has guided and directed us since those first days.  Such a testimony of his faithfulness!!!  

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So in the days following we learned that he had a good time and was asking when he could come see our home in Jackson.  The following week the girls were headed up to St. Louis for their annual week at Meemaw and Pappaw’s, so we decided that would be a good time for him to come down and visit and us to get to know him better.  So with that visit we met for lunch with plans to then come to our house for a bit.  We were encouraged that during lunch he had asked if he could ride with us in our car to the house.  As we were driving I was steady asking him lots of questions.  Shocker, I know!!!  For me I long to connect with people by knowing what they like or dislike, what makes them happy, etc... and since I didn’t know him, I needed to get to know him so I could connect!!  So as I fired off the questions, I quickly realized he was getting overwhelmed.  I told him that people often say I ask a lot of questions and asked him if he would agree.  He just looked at me, then looked at Russ as if to ask, “am I supposed to be truthful here?” and laughed as he shook his head yes!  So I took the hit and quit asking questions....for a bit!  ;-)  We had a great visit at the house, playing the wii, walking the dog and throwing the ball in the yard.  We were so thankful to have this opportunity to spend more time getting to know him.  I took this picture below while we took our dog Ozzie on a walk.  Per advice from our social worker, I wanted to have a picture or two of him on the refrigerator for when he came back.  So I printed and placed this one on the fridge today..before he came to visit.  After doing so, I realized the words written on the magnet I used to hold the picture on...Jeremiah 29:11 “For I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord.  Plans to prosper you and not to harm you.  Plans to give you hope and future.”  Coincidental???  I think not!!!    :-)

So, after the day visit came an overnight stay.  And that is where we are currently!  He came today at noon and will be with us over the next couple of days.  We look forward to time spent getting to know this young fellow.  And I look forward to documenting more of our story as the days unfold.  For now I sign off thankful that as I think about how many nights we have prayed for “that little boy” whoever he might be and prayed for his head to soon be resting on the pillows we have on the bed in “his” room....I am confidently optimistic that “that little boys” head is sleeping soundly on that pillow tonight!!  

Is No news good news???

I have had to ask myself this question on more than one occasion. In the adoption world (particularly the waiting stage) IS no news good news?  Often times my emotional side says ,"no...it isn't good news".  We just had to renew our home study which in some ways is even difficult to write. Waiting, completely ready for a solid year!!  But alas, I'm so very grateful for God's promise that He makes all things beautiful in His time...key word for me...HIS time....not Rachel's time. :-). So many things GOOD things have happened this year, and I rest with peace that His plan is perfect, therefore we wait for our next child to come into our family.  So with confidence I can say, "YES!!! No news IS good news!"

Little reminders....

This week we received a card in the mail with cash and this note.  No return address.....card not signed.    These are the little reminders that God is the provider of all things.  Thank you from our family not only for the gift, but also the reminder that God is in control.  I must admit having gotten through the holidays and t shirt fundraiser, I am sitting on go waiting for THE call.  God has graciously given both Russ and I the peace to continue praying and believing that....He makes all things beautiful in His time!  Please join us in this prayer that He will continue to grant us peace and patience as we wait on His timing!
With much love,
Rachel

T-shirts are here!!!

If you purchased a t shirt, you either have it by now or its on its way!!  We were very pleased with the end product and hope that you will be too!  It is our hope that as you wear them you will have opportunities to bring awareness to adoption and we would love it if when you wore it you said a prayer for our family too!   :-)  We have the ability to order more, so if you didn't get a chance to get one or would like another, please let us know.
And again, thank you so much for praying for and supporting our family!

Goal reached!!!

Yeah for reaching goals!!  We placed the order for t shirts today.  Our goal starting out was to sell 100 and we were able to order 115!  Thanks to all of you who have supported us in this endeavor...and be on the lookout for your t shirt in the next few weeks!

Lesson #2 - Gaining a different perspective

As I wrote earlier, there have been many things brought to my attention throughout this adoption process that I haven't really had to think about until now.  So, what are these things? Well, there are many and here are my ramblings on them...Specifically, I have become more aware of the reality that adopting a child of a different race will bring with it its own unique set of challenges.   With any adoption, there is an added layer of complexity, so naturally throw in a different race on top of the adoption and you have a double layer of complexity!  Some things people have discussed seemed quite obvious, then others seem to hit me right in the gut.

For some examples...

- Hair.  Along this journey I have encountered individuals who, upon finding we are adopting an African American, have asked what I am going to do about their hair.  Prior to these questions, I honestly didn't know this was an important issue.  I knew there would be differences, and I am probably (not probably...I am) naive to what it takes to care for African American hair.  However, I just didn't know to consider this as a process that I would have to grow in as a part of becoming a multicultural family.

- Belonging.  At one conference, one of the dads shared a story of him and his son in Walmart.  They had lost sight of the mom (his wife) and he grabbed his son by the hand and said out loud, "Let's go find your mommy!"  Innocent situation, right?  Well, the man was white and his son black, so when the lady on the aisle heard him say that out loud, she raced over to try to help him find his mom.  It took a great deal of explaining to the lady for her to understand he was the child's father.  I know this seems small, but it spoke reality to me that through the eyes of the watching world, it will never be automatically assumed that our son is ours!  Not the case with our girls who all look alike and look much like us.

- Environment.  I think it quite natural that we tend to associate with those most like us.  But what happens when you adopt a child that with their ethnicity comes additional cultural things you don't know about?  In our transracial training we had to do an exercise where we placed colored beads on a bracelet representing the skin coloring of different people in our lives.  Examples included hair dresser, doctor, mailman, neighbor, pastor, librarian, police officers, etc....  The leader then shared that most likely the majority of our beads reflect colors similar to our own skin color.  While there's nothing particularly wrong with this, she shared that given nothing changing, our son would always be different than most everyone he is around.  This bracelet (which I plan to wear until our son comes home) serves as a tangible, visual reminder for me.

- Birth family.  With the way Bethany allows birth families to select via profile, there is no "closed" adoption....all are open to some degree.  To what degree is determined on a case by case decision between those involved.  I have really come to appreciate Bethany's approach as to how they handle adoptions and how one of their main priorities is to minister to the birth mom/family throughout the process and for as long as needed.  Russ mentioned in a previous post about the panel discussion involving birth moms.  It was powerful to hear their stories and certainly a poignant reminder to me that this is no small decision taken lightly on the part of a birth mom.

These things have helped me begin to gain a different perspective as we continue this journey of adoption.  I love the wording "headed down this road" "as I think about how turning on a road doesn't mean you have arrived at your destination.  It does, however, mean you are heading in a direction towards your destination.  There may be hills and valleys as we take this journey, but as a child of God, He has promised to lead us.  In the words of an Andrew Peterson song...."Holy is the Lord, Holy is the Lord and the Lord I will obey.  Lord help me I don't know the way."  May this be true of our family as we seek to follow God's leading us down this path....